you perfectly. [laughter] let's begin with the president. as you may know barack obama is a student of history. he learned two things in particular from the greatest president in history abraham lincoln. one when putting together a cabinet you need assemble a team of rivals and two, you cannot kill a vampire with an axe. you need a built-in shotgun in that mother humper. lincoln the vampire. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] didn't take off like we thought it would. [ laughter ] but to the first point when it came time to choose a secretary of defense barack obama demonstrated lincoln-esque team rivalling by choosing former nebraska senator chuck haaag -- hagge -- hagel. [ laughter ] he is a republican. a two term senator, vietnam vet. he was a simple process away from achieving that relatively only minor as secretary of lincoln's legacy but still it was doing this having hagel or doing that and you know, nobody wants to see that. >> the one thing i'm not going to do is vote on a new secretary of defense until the old secretary of defense leon panetta, who i like very much, testifies about

-long recess >> president obama played golf with tiger woods in florida last weekend sniem i'm sure tiger woods has a lot of sequester advice. "i don't know, mr. president. did you ever try hitting it with a club?" i don't know. for more on the sequester we go to samantha bee in washington. the sequester is four days away. we're staring into the economic abyss. what is going on down there >> reporter: nothing, jon. everything will work out just fine. no need to panic. not like we're four days away from everything we know as the american way of life being destroyed. which is why i have in no way spent the last eight hours having sex with literally everything that moves. >> jon: sam, i mean you really sound like the world is ending >> reporter: that's right, jon. if you were smart you'd be bucket listing too. >> jon: i want to bucket list. the president is bucket listing >> reporter: golf with tiger woods? before that, the miami heat? an afternoon with the ladies of modern family. you know the first lady's bucket listing too >> jon: what is she bucket listing >> reporter: the bangs, jon. nobody o

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